Youth and the Abortion of a Sibling

From: "Saved by Windows Internet Explorer 7" Subject: Youth and the Abortion of a Sibling Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2008 18:43:29 -0400 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/related; type="text/html"; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_00D3_01C8C672.E1BD9A90" X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.0.6001.18000 This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_00D3_01C8C672.E1BD9A90 Content-Type: text/html; charset="Windows-1252" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Location: http://www.priestsforlife.org/testimony/siblingaborted.htm Youth and the Abortion of a Sibling

Pastoral advice when dealing with young people who = find out that=20 a sibling had been aborted.

Fr. Frank Pavone

Pontifical Council for the Family

International Director, Priests for Life

"A woman reported telling her nine year old son about her abortion, = which had=20 taken place years before he was born. He said, 'I knew, Mom, that = there was=20 something wrong. I always have nightmares about knives and my mother = killing me.=20 I have an imaginary brother who wants to kill me. If you had not aborted = the=20 other, would you have aborted me?'" (Abortion Survivors, p.36).

This is a story repeated more times than most people realize, and=20 representing a societal and pastoral problem whose proportions are = greater today=20 than at any previous time in history: the phenomenon of tens of millions = of=20 abortion survivors.

It is clear that abortion's primary victim is the child who is = killed. It has=20 also become increasingly clear that to kill the child is to harm the = mother and=20 father as well. What is not always so well known, however, is that = abortion=20 makes its impact felt on those who have had a sibling aborted, and that = this=20 impact is felt in surprising and astonishing ways, which also have wider = implications for the whole of society.

I have come to learn about this mostly through my personal = association with=20 Dr. Philip G. Ney, MD, FRCP(C), RPsych. Dr. Ney, a child psychiatrist, = has done=20 extensive research in the area of child abuse and pregnancy loss, and = his=20 research has shed much light on the impact of abortion on our society. = For the=20 purposes of this article, I have drawn heavily on two of his works, = Abortion=20 Survivors (1998) and How to Talk with your Children About your = Abortion:=20 A Practical Guide for Parents (1998). (See conclusion for more = information=20 about how to obtain these.)

Ten types of abortion survivors

Those who find out that a sibling has been aborted are actually among = ten=20 types of "abortion survivors," a category that reaches beyond those upon = whom an=20 abortion attempt was actually made. The types are as follows:

Statistical survivors. These are people who survived in = countries or=20 cities where there is a statistically high probability that they would = have=20 been aborted. They come to know that the odds were definitely stacked = against=20 them. In some parts of Eastern Europe, the chances of being aborted = are as=20 high as 80%.
Wanted survivors. These are people whose parents carefully = deliberated=20 about whether or not to abort them. They may have calculated, = consulted, and=20 discussed the possibility. Interestingly, there is growing evidence = that=20 unborn children are affected by the hormonal changes that result from = major=20 conflicts in the mind of the mother. (One case study of a person who = tried to=20 commit suicide on the same day every year revealed that that was the = day his=20 mother had an appointment to abort him.)
Sibling survivors. These are people born into families where = one or=20 more of their siblings were aborted.
Threatened survivors. These are children whose parents have = used=20 abortion as a threat, even if they never considered it during the = pregnancy:=20 "You wretched, ungrateful child...I should have aborted you!" =
Disabled survivors. These are people who, because of = developmental=20 defects or other circumstances, would usually be aborted. In fact, = they often=20 wonder whether their parents would have aborted them had they known = about the=20 defects.
Chance survivors. These are children who would have been = aborted if=20 the mother had been able to obtain the abortion. The abortion was = prevented by=20 a lack of money, time, permission, availability, etc.
Ambivalent survivors. These are children of parents who could = not make=20 up their minds about the abortion and delayed until it was too late. = They are=20 often caught up in their parents' continuing ambivalence, and can = wonder=20 whether they can still be terminated.
Twin survivors. These are people whose twin was aborted. Twins = communicate, touch, and even caress each other in the womb. The loss = of the=20 twin by abortion is deeply felt and often causes the survivor to be = suicidal.=20
Attempted Murder survivors. These are people who survived an = actual=20 abortion attempt. Besides the physical harm that is often done, they = suffer=20 intense psychological struggles, nightmares, confused identities, and = a fear=20 of doctors.
Murdered survivors. These are children who survived an = abortion for=20 just a short period of time, and were subsequently killed by the = abortion=20 staff or left to die.

Sibling Survivors

Regarding sibling survivors, the first question that likely comes to = mind is,=20 How do they know in the first place that a sibling was aborted? = As the=20 quote at the beginning of the article reveals, they often know by a = strong and=20 mysterious intuition, or the sensation of the presence of a "missing" or = imaginary person. Case histories and research evidence indicate that = if a=20 mother has had an abortion, this fact will be communicated in one way or = another to the surviving siblings. Dr. Ney simply states, "You = cannot=20 not communicate" (How to Talk...p.3).

Many dynamics are at work here. Abortion is often discussed in our = society,=20 so children easily wonder whether there was one in their own family. = Their=20 curiosity may lead them to indirectly probe the matter with their = parents, or=20 they may overhear conversations about it. Objectively, moreover, the = abortion=20 does cause various symptoms of distress within the family, and this can = lead=20 children to conclude that the unspoken cause of the distress is an = abortion.=20 Parents may at times blurt it out to the child in a moment of = anger.

Yes, Survivors should be told.

Dr. Ney is clear that women who have had abortions should tell their=20 surviving children about it. The reasons, simply summed up, are that the = price=20 of not honestly communicating about it is higher than that of = revealing=20 it. The truth will set you free is true not only on a spiritual = level,=20 but also on the level of natural psychology. The destructive dynamics of = a past=20 abortion will be felt in the family, unavoidably. It is better that = children=20 come to know the reasons for these dynamics, rather than have to live = with=20 pseudo-secrets and with a fantasy which may be far more horrifying than = the=20 reality. Good advice regarding the timing and manner of telling children = about=20 an abortion, and how to deal with the possible responses, is found in = Dr. Ney's=20 book, How to Talk with your Children About your Abortion: A Practical = Guide=20 for Parents (1998).

The wounds of sibling survivors

To know how to help the sibling survivor, one must understand some of = the=20 psychological dynamics at work. Dr. Ney points out that the research = reveals=20 several patterns.

Survivor Guilt. "Why am I alive, and not my brother or = sister? I=20 feel guilty. I don't deserve to be alive. I can't enjoy life when I = know that=20 my parents might have killed me. They arranged for the death of my = brothers or=20 sisters, who were probably better than me."
Existential Anxiety. "I want to live but I fear I am = doomed.=20 Something awful is going to happen to me...I don't know how or = when." This=20 suffering springs from the awareness that one is alive because one was = "wanted." What, then, if I am no longer wanted? Can I still be killed? = This=20 fear can lead to an exaggerated effort to stay wanted, and such an = effort can=20 make one weary and, at a certain point, completely rebellious in an = effort to=20 reject the need to constantly strive to be wanted. This can account = for the=20 mindless vandalism of many adolescents.
Anxious Attachment. "I'm not sure how my parents feel about = me, so=20 I have to stay close to them, but the closer I get the worse I feel." = From=20 the parent's perspective as well, abortion interferes with their = ability to=20 bond with subsequent children or to respond tenderly to their helpless = cry.=20
Pseudo-Secret Collusion. "I desperately need to know what = happened=20 to my unborn brother or sister, but am afraid to ask...it may be too = terrible=20 to know...and asking may ruin my relationship with my parents..." =
Distrust. "I can't believe that my parents, who would kill = one of=20 their children, can really love me."
Self-doubt. Having destroyed a child by abortion, parents = develop=20 deep fears of how they or others might hurt subsequent children. They = can=20 therefore become over-protective. Constantly warning children to be = careful=20 can then decrease the child's confidence. Decision-making can become = extremely=20 difficult.
Ontological Guilt. "I know I am talented and have lots of=20 opportunities. I could have a good future, but I can't seem to get my = act into=20 gear." Survivors feel a deep uncertainty about the future, or = their own=20 prospects of survival, and so may find it hard to make good plans. = They keep=20 quitting and starting again, and may rationalize their failures.
Dislike of Children. Because they are unsure of their = own=20 existence and identity, survivors feel threatened by children, and may = either=20 avoid having them, or put them in day-care at a very early = age.

How Do We Respond Pastorally?

Abortion survivors are all around us, and responding to them = pastorally will=20 be an ever greater aspect of our ministry in the months and years = ahead.

As one can deduce from the information provided above, the = communication and=20 healing regarding the abortion of a sibling is a family matter, and = needs to be=20 facilitated within the family. Helping parents to identify the way = abortion=20 harms their family relations, and counseling them regarding how to talk = to their=20 children, is one aspect of our role.

Prevention, of course, is essential, and the road to alleviating the = problem=20 of so many who suffer the effects of being abortion survivors is to have = fewer=20 abortions. Increasing the value and necessity of children is a key theme = for the=20 parish to stress on the road to this goal. The involvement of families = in which=20 there are abortion survivors in projects aimed at prevention of the = problems=20 that they experienced is, according to Dr. Ney, ideal.

Dr. Ney points out that group psychotherapy is effective in assisting = the=20 survivor of abortion. Family therapy should follow. In the absence of = intensive=20 psychotherapy, which is the ideal, counseling is very valuable, = especially when=20 directed at the existential guilt.

In this regard, it is necessary to point out the distinction between = being=20 wanted and being welcomed. Being wanted is = not=20 necessarily a consolation. It gives the wrong message, namely, that = my life=20 or death depends on the fact that someone wants or doesn't want me...I = have no=20 intrinsic right to be.

Welcome, on the other hand, is the response to one who has an = intrinsic=20 value, a value that is recognized and acknowledged to be independent of = the=20 circumstances in which one comes to be. When one is = welcomed,=20 he/she is not subject to the plans, desires, or expectations of others. = He/she=20 is not tied to or evaluated by the criteria of someone else's agenda. = Rather,=20 he/she is acknowledged as good simply because he/she is = and=20 has a right to be.

The Church clearly has a key role in this regard, and Dr. Ney = emphasizes the=20 key role of spiritual renewal and the Church community in assisting the = abortion=20 survivor. Our clear and consistent teaching on the intrinsic = value of=20 every human life speaks directly to the needs of the abortion survivor. = In the=20 words of Evangelium Vitae, "Life is always a good...Why is life a = good?...The=20 life which God gives man...is a manifestation of God in the world, a = sign of his=20 presence, a trace of his glory....Man has been given a sublime dignity = based on=20 the intimate bond which unites him to his Creator: In man there shines = forth a=20 reflection of God himself" (EV #34).

In the words of Dr. Ney, "Abortion survivors must be able to see = that=20 parental love is real. When they see it in people, they then can = understand that=20 God, as our Father, can be loving toward them. They need to understand = that they=20 are welcome in God's family, and that when they have God's Spirit within = them He=20 gives purpose, joy and meaning to their lives. Salvation through Jesus = Christ is=20 both the cause and effect in the healing process."

The message given to the abortion survivor by the horror of abortion, = as=20 contrasted by that given by the Gospel of Life, was dramatically brought = home to=20 me when, during the same week, I came across two poems, written at = different=20 times by different people.

The first was actually used at a meeting of abortion providers as a = prayer.=20 It is addressed to the unwanted child. The second was written by a = pro-life=20 activist, as a message to a welcomed child. They read as the precise = reverse of=20 each other, almost as though each was written with the other in view. = Let them=20 strengthen us in our mission of rescuing the potential victims and = healing the=20 survivors.

Prayer Used at National Abortion Federation

"Greetings, little one. Little sister, little = brother,

Great wise ancestor.

You want to come to our house,

Maybe you think we would make good parents for = you---

Well, the food is short now----

The winter was too long, and the summer too hot.

We have too many mouths to feed.

My husband works too hard already.

We cannot open our home to you now.

Try again later, little one, or find a better = place.

Go in peace now, go in peace."

Come Forth

By: RoseMarie

Come, pass this way, unseen one

Come, walk through the shadows of life

I invite you, want you, need you

Do not drop back into the unknown void.

Come forward into the bright

Sunshine, feel the softness of the snow,

See the vivid brightness of the stars.

Run over the warm hot sands

Of time, with pink chubby toes,

Reach out cherub arms, innocent

Hands to catch butterflies, fish,

Worms, puppies, whatever pleases your heart.

Grow in happiness, love, agony, despair

Let life be kind or cruel, it matters not.

Just come forth, there is love,

Delight waiting, watching, wanting

You. Come forth dear little heart.

Come forth.

For further information on the work of Dr. Ney, and to obtain his=20 publications, contact The International Institute for Pregnancy Loss = and=20 Child Abuse Research and Recovery (IIPLCARR), PO Box 27103, Goldstream = Ave,=20 Victoria, British Columbia, Canada V9B 5S4, Phone (250) 391-1840, Fax = (250)=20 391-1841, Email: iiplcarr@islandnet.com

You may also contact Priests for Life at PO Box 141172, Staten = Island, NY=20 10314, Tel. 888-PFL-3448, Fax 718-980-6515, Email: = mail@priestsforlife.org, Web=20 site www.priestsforlife.org

Priests for Life
PO Box=20 141172
Staten Island, NY 10314
Tel. 888-PFL-3448, (718) = 980-4400
Fax=20 718-980-6515
Email mail@priestsforlife.org

Subscribe to Fr. Frank's = bi-weekly=20 prolife column (free): subscribe@priestsforlife.org=

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